WHAT IS YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE?

THE AHA MOMENT ON A MASSAGE TABLE

A few weeks ago, I was face-down on a massage table—muscles melting—when my therapist and I drifted from small talk into business and mindset. (Yes, I talk shop even during self-care.)

We landed on communication, and I shared a technique I first learned in 2019 during one of my psychology trainings. Since then, I’ve used it with my clients to decode the quiet, invisible friction that sabotages both boardroom pitches and bedtime chats.

What happened next surprised us both.

His hands froze mid-stroke, eyes wide.
“Wait…that’s why my wife and I keep arguing!”

That casual tip became a breakthrough—one that’s changed far more than his marriage. It’s the very key I see high-achievers overlook every single week.

WHY YOU KEEP GETTING MISUNDERSTOOD

 If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why didn’t they get what I meant?”—I hear you.

That sinking swirl of frustration and self-doubt can make even the most confident professional shut down.

I’ve been there—more than once.

At work, I used to be an inferential communicator. I’d hint at solutions in meetings, expecting others to connect the dots. I thought I was being efficient—but instead, I was labeled as unclear or “too vague.” The feedback hit me every single time. I took it personally.

At home, I flipped. I became a literal communicator, expecting others to just say what they meant—while I stopped reading between the lines. It created friction. I’d get confused, even defensive, when someone hinted at needing support instead of asking directly.

I was speaking two different languages—and missing the mark in both.

When your style collides with someone else’s, emotional static builds. Over time that static turns into distance. Maybe your partner snaps, “You never listen.” Maybe a boss skips you for a project because your ideas “aren’t clear.” You’re left wondering, What did I do wrong?

So what’s actually happening beneath the surface—and why do smart, caring people keep talking past each other?

THE 2 COMMUNICATION STYLES THAT KEEP TRIPPING YOU UP

Everyone communicates along two core dimensions: inferential and literal.

But here’s the twist most people miss:

How you speak and how you listen can fall into completely different categories.

You might be an inferential speaker—but a literal listener.

Or a literal speaker—but an inferential listener.

And that mismatch within yourself can cause just as much confusion as a mismatch with someone else.

Let’s break it down:

INFERENTIAL SPEAKER

Typical Characteristics:

• Hints or suggests instead of asking directly
• Uses subtle language or implications
• Expects others to “get it” without explanation

Pros:

• Emotionally attuned and sensitive to others’ needs
• Seen as thoughtful, diplomatic, and non-demanding
• Can be great at navigating group dynamics gently

Cons:

• Easily misunderstood, especially by literal listeners
• May feel resentful when others don’t pick up on cues
• Communication can seem vague, passive, or confusing

Example: “My mouth is dry…” (Hoping someone offers water)

INFERENTIAL LISTENER

Typical Characteristics:

• Scans for tone, body language, and emotional cues
• Looks beyond words for deeper meaning
• Assumes others are implying something beneath the surface

Pros:

• Strong emotional intelligence and empathy
• Anticipates others’ needs and adapts quickly
• Excellent at catching what’s “not said”

Cons:

• Overthinks or misinterprets simple statements
• May personalize neutral feedback or silence
• Prone to anxiety or doubt when unclear

Example: Hears “I’m fine” → Thinks “Something must be wrong”

LITERAL SPEAKER

Typical Characteristics:

• Direct, concise, and specific in their language
• Tends to “say it like it is”
• Prefers clear asks and instructions

Pros:

• Communicates clearly and efficiently
• Reduces ambiguity and confusion
• Great for high-stakes or high-speed environments

Cons:

• May come off as blunt or emotionally disconnected
• Can unintentionally offend inferential listeners
• Often misses emotional nuance in sensitive situations

Example: “Can you get me a glass of water?”

LITERAL LISTENER

Typical Characteristics:

• Interprets words at face value
• Waits for specific requests before acting
• Doesn’t assume hidden meaning

Pros:

• Trustworthy and consistent in communication
• Respects others’ autonomy—doesn’t overstep
• Reliable in roles that require precision and execution

Cons:

• May appear cold, robotic, or inattentive to emotional cues
• Misses subtle requests or emotional needs
• Struggles in relationships where indirect communication is common

Example: Hears “I’m tired” → Says “Okay” (and does nothing else)

Mix these styles without awareness and it’s like speaking different dialects with the same words.

• Inferential speaker + literal listener → your “obvious” request lands as a random comment.
• Literal speaker + inferential listener → your clear ask feels loaded with hidden meaning.

YOU’RE NOT THE PROBLEM—YOU’RE SPEAKING A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE

Back on the massage table, the framework clicked for my therapist.

“She hinted she wanted help planning the party,” he said. “I didn’t do anything…because she never asked.”

At that moment, he figured:

She’s an inferential speaker. He’s a literal listener.
No one lacked empathy—they just used different dictionaries.

Now he checks in:
“Are you asking me to take over the guest list?”
She laughs. Says yes.
Tension? Gone.

HOW TO SPEAK (AND HEAR) EACH OTHER’S LANGUAGE

Below are 3 simple, actionable steps you can practice today:

1️⃣ KNOW YOUR PATTERN

• When you speak: Do you hint (inferential) or state (literal)?
• When you listen: Do you hunt for subtext (inferential) or stick to the words (literal)?

Track your habits, especially when stress spikes. Awareness is step one.

2️⃣ OBSERVE THEIRS

• Do they drop hints or make direct requests?
• Do they analyze tone or focus on exact phrasing?

Watch without judgment. You’re collecting intel, not assigning blame.

3️⃣ BRIDGE THE GAP

• Inferential speaker → Literal listener: Spell out the ask. “Could you draft the slides?”
• Literal speaker → Inferential listener: Soften delivery. Add context. “I value your input—would you mind handling the slides?”

You don’t have to overhaul your personality—just adjust how you show up in the moment. Small shifts, big impact.

With that awareness, you’ll stop internalizing misunderstandings—and start communicating in ways that actually land.

I’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU

Give these steps a test-drive this week. Notice how the conversations that once felt draining begin to feel lighter, clearer—maybe even healing.

If this insight sparked an aha of your own, share it through the contact form below. Your story might be the exact encouragement someone else needs to realize they’re not alone.

Better conversations start with better awareness. And that begins with YOU.